It's been more than a year since I've last posted on this blog and yep,time for an update!!!!Actually,I've been hoping to do an update earlier on but I had issues with logging into blogger as they had problems with the security of my account (too long didn't log in) so finally I've got the motivation to settle these issues today:)

And so,it's gonna be a super long post I think,given the amount of things that have happened in my life thus far and I'm just gonna try to recall and note down as many events as possible here for my own reference when I'm a ripe-old 90 year-old HAHAHA.

Okay let's start!

I've just returned from a school exchange program (SEP) in Canada. I've spent almost half a year in North America "studying" and enjoying life over there. I think I did not really mentioned about me applying for SEP,I can't really remember what I posted in my last few posts but it's alright,long story short,I've managed to overcome many problems in exchange for an awesome 6 months living overseas. I've worked very hard for this opportunity,right at the beginning when I first entered NUS,seniors have told me about SEP and I myself was quite curious and I went to do some research on my own regarding SEP and talked to many seniors and profs:) I'm really proud of myself for what I've achieved so far though I believe that Im capable of achieving much more in life. I JUST NEED MORE CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF:( I just keep thinking about the possibility of failing,of something that might go wrong instead of just giving it a try,I should really learn to grow some balls.

And so,I worked hard,got my first class CAP,applied for SEP,got it,accepted it,got scolded by parents (especially my dad who made me cry),doing almost everything on my own (all the admin stuffs) and desperately looking for travel buddies after Desmond withdrew from SEP at the last minute :( I was quite apprehensive and scared in the beginning to be honest,for those who know me well,I'm an introvert who doesn't dare to talk to strangers or openly say that I need help although I'm always trying my best to help others,I just don't really want people to think that I'm vulnerable/useless/needy,and yes,I do sound like a guy and I really hate it because there's so many girls out there who are more open/daring/willing to openly show that they're weak and need help,in other words (san jiao) to guys,always being able to get the love of their life and even rob people like me a chance to even get close to our crushes.Another I SHOULD LEARN note to myself, to stop being so stubborn and act as though I'm a guy who's not vulnerable at all,it really scares off a lot of guys I think when they were trying to be nice to me and helped me but were turned down by my stubbornness and fear of being perceived as needy.

I wouldn't say that I had a perfect SEP experience,nothing is perfect but it was definitely one of the best moments of my uni life.I'd gained and lost some stuffs during my SEP but I'm really grateful that I've emerged stronger,more independent and more street-smart (I hope I'm not wrong).It wasn't easy living overseas without my family and there were really times when I broke down when I'm in my own hostel room alone (again,I didn't want anyone to see this vulnerable side of me especially my parents).I met a bunch of very nice engineers,especially those from A2 (my hostel block) and of course,I had the privilege of going on SEP with my fellow geoger, Nigel though we didn't spend much time together since he's always with his gf hahaha.

I met JS,YJ and Charmaine when I attended the pre-SEP departure talk in December 2015.I could still remember that I was pretty scared and worried that I would've to travel alone to and fro Canada because most people already had their own plans and Desmond withdrew at the last minute:( My initial plan was to fly with Desmond on 1 Jan 2016 via SQ then transit in France and take Air France to Toronto then take the free UWaterloo shuttle from Toronto Pearson Airport to UWaterloo. We also applied for the same dorm for V1 but got CLV-South instead we even planned geog mods together but oh well,something happened to his family and he had to withdraw:( Nonetheless,God was really kind to me,I then met the other 3 engineers who've yet to booked their air tickets and so we met during the pre departure talk to settle our flight. We flew on 29th December 2015 (a day which I will always remember) but we split into two separate camps haha due to our preferences and needs. I flew with JS whom is a very kind,gentle and nice guy, we call him gentle giant via Cathay Pacific to Toronto,we managed to get the student package so I spent SGD$2027.10 for round trip but we had a 10-hour transit at HKIA on our trip to Toronto (shag) but I felt very comfortable cos JS was really nice and caring. JS had to take Cathay because he's so damn tall and he was worried that his long legs won't be able to fit the seats in cheaper airlines while I prefer flying with more recognised airlines,the last thing I want is to have my parents being even more worried than they already are and I don't want my luggage to go missing (well known for cheap airlines like BA).YJ and Charmaine flew via China Eastern to Toronto,also on 29th December,we planned to fly on the same day and meet at Toronto. Both of them were okay with China Eastern and it was a cheaper option haha.

As much as I hate it,mother nature decided to prank me,I was having my time of the month when we flew on 29th December and I was quite stressed up about it because you know,it was my first time flying for 20 over hours,with a GUY,without my parents some more and with those freaking killer cramps I'd always get:( So I sucked it up,took panadols before flying and ensured that my carry-on was filled with enough pads haha. It really sucked,especially on the flight from HK to Toronto,it was a 15 hour flight and I was sitting in the middle seat wedged between JS and a Canadian guy. I'm usually very discreet and secretive about periods because I was brought up in a family that's not very open about this and at that time,it was only the second time I met JS in person so I didn't want to scare him/burden him to let me go to the toilet on the plane so I just minimised my fluid intake on the plane.I used the toilet once only throughout the 15 hours though the two guys who sat with me went much more times and JS was quite concerned I think?He was actually the one who asked why I did not have to use the toilet and then I told myself "look he's okay with letting me walk out of the row,why are you so paranoid about disturbing him?" then I plucked up the courage to excuse myself lol,what a loser. I couldn't bathe because of the long flight and arghhhhh not being able to bathe during menses really sucks plus I couldn't change often so I leaked a bit fortunately I wore black pants there,idk if JS saw it but I'm really embarrassed and scared.That was only the start hahaha.I was really thrilled about going to Canada,I talked to JS on our flight there about snow,food etc,it was the first time I see snow in real life so JS was telling me about what snow feels/look like in reality from his previous trips.Tbh JS was really nice,he exchanged his food with me knowing that I dislike meat,lent me his jacket when I felt cold at HKIA and his inflatable head-rest cos I couldn't sleep on the plane and even asked me to lean on his shoulder because I was wedged in the middle seat looking very uncomfortable.He was sooooo nice to me,to be frank,I've eye-candied him ever since I first met him during the pre-departure talk,I knew he was my type,studious,smart,quiet and caring:) 

We lived at an apartment booked by JS via Airbnb for 2 nights in Toronto,we "counted down" to 2016 there haha,we slept through 2015 to 2016 as everyone was seriously jet lagged LOL though we wanted to count down at Nathan Phillip's Square.We spent the 2 days in Toronto travelling around, trying nice food,visited some attractions and tried to get used to the Canadian culture and for me,I had to get used to dressing up in winter attire.We then took Greyhound,also booked by JS from Toronto to UWaterloo.It was snowing quite heavily and I remember how happy I was when I looked out the windows of a Tim Hortons in Toronto and saw snowflakes falling down!!!:)I felt like a happy child who's dreams had came true.When we alighted the greyhound,OMG it was a nightmare,we had to drag our luggage in thick snow and walked all the way to WCRI (our hostel).YJ and JS had no problems doing that haha NS trained them well but not for me and Charmaine:( But it was a great experience,I finally learnt why some people hated snow.We then went to the WCRI office to collect our keys and amenities kit which the staffs forgot to pass me mine and I got a shock of my life when I checked into my dorm,oh gosh,did I mentioned that it looked creepy?!!!!!WCRI was built in 1965 and I lived at the highest floor (4th floor) and there were no freaking elevators OMG,thankfully JS and YJ helped me with carrying my luggage up though again I wanted to try carrying my stuffs up because I refused to appear useless/vulnerable:( I always hate it when this annoying ego of mine always shows up whenever a guy wants to help me and deep in me I know I needed help but I just refused to look needy,I just want to kill myself at times.With that,I checked into my room and was real happy to realise that I was allocated to a smaller unit with only 2 rooms and a shared toilet and my neighbour,Krit is also from NUS!!!!!!!Woohoo,I'm soooooo happy!!!I opted for a small single room because I couldn't find a roomie,I wanted a shared room initially because I was afraid of being lonely but was happy that I got a single room after that.Sometimes I just need the personal space to do whatever I want (Eg.cry under the blankets,laughing at my photos,doing stupid stuffs like trying to finish up my coloring book or just listen to stupid songs). I cried alot when I was in my room alone,looking at sunsets made me cry (I hate sunsets cos they're soooooo emotional),seeing snow made me cry too (I was so happy to see snow for the first time in life),listening to NDP songs made me cry,looking at pictures of my family made me cry too and of course HAVING CRAMPS in the middle of winter nights was too much to not cry.

We settled in real quick and began to make use of the Uber free rides to travel around to get our groceries hahaha because we haven't gotten our Watcard at that time yet. It was really the first time I bought daily necessities on my own,it made me feel how pampered I am back in SG with my parents and sis doing almost everything for me.We attended the orientation talks and started to cook for our meals.It was a big challenge for me,I couldn't cook at all because I can't be bothered when I was in SG and I didn't made my mum teach me how to cook a few simple stuffs,so I had to pick up skills really fast,I felt really stressed on days when I had duty and I simply googled/watched youtube cooking videos and used noobcook to learn how to cook.The A2 people,comprising of JS,YJ,Elaine,Zan and myself agreed to take turns to cook for the group and it was actually quite funny to see how one another cooked hahaha.I cooked things like Ban mian,fried beehoon,mee siam,egg-tomato noodles and my most successful dish-cheese baked rice!Not bad,at least I didn't resort to ready-to-go food for them and everything was cooked and prepared by me,sometimes with the help of some of my A2 buddies but yeah,I did most stuffs myself:)So proud!

School was the last thing on my mind,really,I wanted to work hard and do well in studies there and even with hopes of joining choir there but oh well,exchange is for travelling and picking up life skills not just to study haha,the real wake up call to put more efforts into my studies was when I missed a 25% test for GEOG 333.I had legit reasons for missing that test ok!!!!I was down with very very bad cramps that day and I took flu panadol to make me sleep through the cramps.I don't know why but ever since I went on SEP,my cramps got much worse than usual,I always had period cramps but it got 100000000x worse in Canada and Krit said it was due to winter?Eventually I got diagnosed with uterine fibroids when I returned to SG and only JS know about this besides my parents.Still thinking of whether to go for surgery in December or not.....

I travelled quite a lot,really grateful to have nice engine guys who are able to drive and were willing to drive us burdens around. In the beginning,we travelled without a group of 3 girls (S,R,K) because they had their own plans and the rest of us really had fun travelling around.Then the 3 girls decided to join us for subsequent trips and we were initially quite open to them joining and thought it would be fun because as the saying goes,the more the merrier but things started to change when S started to chope JS's car trip after trip without sparing a thought for the rest of us and most importantly,the drivers.E once told me that she felt bad to Z and YL because S kept choping JS's car and it felt like S did not like Z's and YL's driving,I was initially quite chill about that cos I'm perfectly okay with taking Z's and YL's car till S took it for granted and kept choping JS's car and even wanted him to share the same hotel bed with her like seriously,how is it appropriate for a guy and a girl to share a bed when you are not even a couple?!E and myself were damn grossed.Things started to turn quite ugly with both sides being unfriendly to each other,we knew that S and YL's group can't click and we hated the fact that S is becoming too close to JS and we felt that S was trying to snatch JS away from us and JS was kind of being double standard???The way he talked to S and us was quite different,I no longer know JS.I'd clashed with him several times though we managed to talk things out eventually but you know,the trust once broken can never be repaired.Perhaps there's also reasons as to why he preferred to stick to S and not us,we have our own speculations but we decided to keep it to ourselves and just try to make peace with one another.I was really upset,JS was really my first crush and he used to be soooooo nice till S came,and I admit I started feeling jealous seeing that S is always in JS car,I've cried so many times over that i my own room and I'm sooooo angry over myself for being so weak and dependent on JS.E told me that none of the guys in SEP is worth dating,but of course,easier said than done,I realised that I'm really in deep love with JS....I felt sooooo happy whenever he responded to my text/talked to me/sit beside me or even just look at me for a mere second and my heart would break whenever I saw him spending time with that irritating S.We've always wondered what kind of person S's bf is,to be able to click with this kind of evil and sly person,one needs to have...you know,that level of slyness too.We felt S making use of JS since YL,YJ and Z wouldn't give S and gang as much fun during road trips and we tried talking to JS but he seemed to be with that bunch already so forget it,I lost someone I saw my future in.

Till today,I still hate S,so much so that I will cringe whenever anyone mentioned her name or talked about her.How I wish either of us will vanish from this world because it pisses me off to know that she ruined everything for me.S has a bf but the way she made JS and another guy,J so willingly sticking by her disgusts me out.Sometimes I created some tests to try and see if JS is still with me or is fully with that disgusting S and I realised that JS would never go out of his way to do things for me like how he did when we first met and how he would do for S,I had tried asking him if he wants to eat out with me and/or Elaine etc but most of the times he'd turned me down saying that he's tired or no time etc,and I would see him and S walking by the lounge to S's block in A1 and sometimes I'd see both of them walking back after eating out.JS started to join that bunch for dinner on fridays,upset I was but JS has rights to choose who he wanted to eat with so I'd just suck it up and tried to pursuade myself from falling in love with him.

I really hate myself,if JS could just ignore my feelings and so willingly go to S's side and even drove down to Toronto Airport to fetch that bitch's parents to WCRI and did not even bother to let me know that he already made plans to travel with that group after SEP despite knowing that I wouldn't dare/want to fly back from Canada to SG all alone,I SHOULD HAVE THE COURAGE TO F OFF THIS GUY but I don't,I'm still hoping against hope that someday he would be the JS I once knew and realise how much stuffs I'd done for him trying to make him happy.I don't have the rights to force him to do so,I'm not pretty/smart/rich/capable/independent/sweet so what makes me think that people like JS with good looks/rich/brains/character interested in me.But this made me grew up,I learnt to be independent and depend on myself for lots of stuffs,I flew alone for the first time in my life just to show JS that I don't need him to survive.I'd helped him to bring his UWaterloo shirts back for him,helped him collect his money from J,bought him bread,shared with him my Mee Siam and of course giving him encouragements for things like his internship interview/exams not expecting anything in return of course but from the bottom of my heart and was hoping to have at least more appreciation from him but NO,I'd lost him completely to that bitch/slut that resembles a darn squirrel,she's the first person that I hate so much SO SO MUCH.

So this is the crux of my SEP story,I gained many other good friends like E,YJ,YL,QQ,C,N,K and good experiences and skills like going on road trips/cooking skills but I lost JS,the only guy I was able to see a hint of my future with and lost my health.

So this post is dedicated for my SEP journey as well as a reminder for myself that I should let go of my feelings towards JS,for I won't be able to get him anymore and I'm not his type I believe.Perhaps I should not be in such a hurry for a partner but to give myself more time to meet the guy who's more aware and appreciative of whatever I do for him.Here's to hoping for a better future.Some guy has recently expressed his interest in me but I've turned him down and I'm really scared that karma would haunt me and make me face rejections in future,life is soooo hard for average,not-as-sly-as-S people like me....

With Love,

Cheryl